Not every dream has a fairytale ending

I was feeling rather optimistic post UKCAT that I would at least get an interview at one of the 5 year courses I applied to.  Sadly I had to focus my choices in London due to family circumstances, which initially I had thought would give me a fighting chance of success, but it turns out not so much. I was rejected from the Uni I thought I had the best chance at (I'm not going to name it I'm afraid) for both the 4 year and the 5 year courses almost immediately.  I have since been rejected from another 4 year course which leaves one 5 year course left, I'm 100% sure that will too be a rejection as ironically that was what I considered my "long shot".  I was disappointed, but not heartbroken.  I think I've realised that medicine wants different things from its students than it did years ago, even only 4 years later the entrance requirements are so ridiculously high now for the UKCAT for certain, if not most, Universities.  I am feeling rather defeated by it all.

I have worked really hard for the last 4 years to get to a point where I have a strong application, I have the first, I have (what I thought was) a pretty good UKCAT score, I have extra curricula awards and achievements, the voluntary work, work experience, yet still it isn't enough.  Those 3 little numbers on the UKCAT mean that someone didn't even read about the rest of it.  I'm a mature student and yes I could apply again, but those 3 little numbers mean that there is a strong possibility I would end up right back here again, having spent another year chasing a dream that deep down I think I know can't happen for me.

I believe I would have had a really enjoyable and successful career and that I would have loved being a doctor so much, but I think perhaps after 2 attempts at the UKCAT which haven't resulted in even an interview or my personal statement even being looked at, that I should call it a day and accept that it isn't meant to be.  I still have my UKCAT books and my GAMSAT books if I change my mind in the new year, but right now…I think that it is the end of my medicine journey.

I'm sorry to those who have been following me for the last few years that my story doesn't have a happier ending.  I'll still update the blog when I've made my final decision in time. Thank you for sharing my experiences with me, I've appreciated everyone's support a great deal. xxx

Dissertation work

I'm nearly at the end of my third and final year.  So far my marks have been really high this year, my lowest was just 2 marks off a first, I don't know whether my overall final grade will be, but either way I'm over the moon with how this year has gone.  Its been hard work, but I couldn't have asked for better marks.  I'm in the middle of writing my dissertation, I'm actually really enjoying it (mostly) although I have my days where I would rather be doing almost anything else (as I'm sure most people do), overall I'm finding it really interesting and I definitely picked the right topic.  

Then I have my two final exams.  I'm actually REALLY nervous about these, I haven't finished my dissertation so I'm not dedicating enough time to my revision yet, which is frustrating as there are a lot of topics to cover.  I need to get my head in gear really and have my dissertation finished by the beginning of next month so I can plough head first into my revision. I think I am also overthinking my dissertation a little, perhaps I need to concentrate more on writing words on the page rather than making sure everything I write is absolutely perfect.  This is the largest piece of work I've ever done and I think it is good practice for my MSc, hopefully it will go well and I will get a good mark.  

Other than that I can't really think of anything to report, getting the house ready to sell still, we've planned where we're going to be living and my other half is getting ready to become and Undergraduate at the same uni I'm going to be doing my MSc.  Overall everything is slowly slipping into place (fingers crossed!). 

Hope everything is going well for everyone in their final year (and every other year of course), not long to go now! 

Not as straightforward as it seemed

If you've been following my blog at all then you'll be aware that I'm not going to medical school next year.  I was pretty annoyed about the UKCAT, but I dealt with that and started looking at Postgraduate plans.  However, what I didn't account for is my friends applying for medicine this year, although I don't think some of them meet the cutoffs for the Universities they've applied for, I'm still finding it pretty tough the idea of them all starting their medicine journeys in 2013 and me being left behind.  This isn't the first time this is happening for me, I chose not to go into medicine straight from school and due to my age I'm now seeing my friends become specialists whereas I'm still trying to get my foot in the door.  I don't regret the path I've taken, I think now is the right time for me to consider medicine and I'm grateful I have other life experience behind me and I think it will stand me in good stead with appreciating just how lucky I would be to have a career in medicine.  I'm not doubting that medicine is a really difficult career, I can tell that just from my work experience placements, but the benefits certainly seem to outweigh the negatives and I think some of my friends who are my age don't appreciate it in the same way I will if I finally get there.

So onto my new plan A, my Masters.  What I didn't factor into the equation is that my other half is also planning on becoming a full time student next year, which sounds great, we've chosen locations which mean that I can apply for medicine the year after etc, but we forgot one key issue....money.  I won't be getting any funding for a taught masters, and nor will I be getting a maintenance loan for the year.  So not only will I be spending the few months applying for masters degrees, selling our house and hopefully finding somewhere really nice to live, we'll also be looking for part time jobs for both of us once we've moved! We hadn't planned on having to work part time whilst we studied and it is very very likely that I'm going to be having my ankle surgery during my summer break after I graduate so I'm really hoping that will be fixed before I start my course and job.  

I've planned for 3 years for what would happen at the end of it, and although my plan A/B is a perfectly good plan B, deep down it wasn't what I was hoping would happen I don't think. I'm sort of sad coming to terms with the whole waiting at least another year to start medicine.  However, I need to tell myself to stop moping and to get on with my uni work and GAMSAT revision ready for March!  I'm reading lots, but it doesn't feel like my "work mode" has truly kicked back in since I messed up the UKCAT!  I'll snap out of it, everyone has to fail something in their life I guess, its just never happened to me before - silly I know.  I just really really want a future in medicine, I won't give up, but I am still sulking a little bit I'm afraid to admit!  

Anyway, I'm going to get on with some uni work and write my personal statement for my MSc application!  Onwards and upwards as they say!

Enter Plan B

So this month didn't go to plan at all.  As you all know I was due to take the dreaded GAMSAT. I knew it wouldn't go well, I was incredibly unprepared and it was always going to just be a trial run.  However, the morning of the exam I woke up at about 4:00am sneezing my head off. Constantly.  Until about 6:30am when I got up, had a bath, got ready to leave, when suddenly I realised that I was being a little silly.  Not only was I feeling like death warmed up (I'm really really not a fan of colds!), my throat felt like I was swallowing razorblades, but I STILL couldn't stop sneezing. I'd taken piriton, tried hot lemon water, but nothing was working, but I realised that if I went and sneezed my way through the entire day, I would distract everyone else in the room, the people who were not there for a trial run, would be utterly aggravated by my incessant AAAACHOOOing.  I didn't want to ruin anyone else's chances of getting a med school place by being a distraction, so I went back to bed for the day.  Plus I told myself, I was only going to put George's down if I felt the day went well (which I was almost 100% sure it would not) plus I still had my UKCAT to do, excellent, right decision.

My UKCAT was a couple of days ago. I was quietly confident, I had been getting high marks in all sections aside from QR which was a touch on the low side in all of the mock questions I was answering from books and a website I subscribed to.  More importantly I completed the UKCAT mocks and they went really well, in fact in DA I was only 2 questions off 100%.  When I sat down in the actual test and started doing the VR questions I was pleased that they felt significantly easier than the practice questions I had completed, and although I was concerned that my QR may have dragged my average down a touch, I was quite calm throughout.  When I got my results however, they shocked me, I was no where near the cutoffs for any of the Unis I wanted to apply to. I smiled at the lady at reception, put on my coat, and left quickly.  I was still ok, no tears, until I spoke to my other half (who was tremendously supportive) and realised that my medicine dream was over for this year at least.  What is even more ridiculous is that DA was my lowest score, QR my highest?!  I have absolutely no idea how the UKCAT is marked, I truly can't even begin to understand it if they really believed QR was my highest section, but they seemed to! 

I was pretty angry with myself for the rest of the day, kept forgetting and then remembering and I felt horrible messaging my dad to tell him I'd messed up (even though he was very sympathetic). But after lunch with one of my best friends at Uni, I realised that my plan B was a pretty fantastic one, I now get to choose a Masters at a new Uni and do something really interesting for a year whilst increasing my medicine application portfolio.  So I've spent the last couple of days researching exactly what kind of thing I want to do an MSc in and I'm sorting out referees etc.  I now actually feel quite excited. It does come in waves however, one minute I'm really excited the next I feel a tad sad, but I believe there is a reason for everything! 

Bring on Plan B....its the new Plan A now folks! 

My final year approaches....

Usually after such a long absence I would apologise for being awol.  However, I have to admit that this time it has been a deliberate choice not to blog.  I've been incredibly busy.  As many of you know I had to take my second year exams in the summer as I was poorly during exam period.  I am pleased to report that I passed the year with a high 2:1 so I'm very very excited to be going into my 3rd and final year of my BSc.  I have already started working on my dissertation and I have chosen my supervisor which is great and I'm really looking forward to it.  The modules this year seem really interesting which is always an added bonus, cannot believe however that in just over 8 months time my degree will be over.  

As for my medical school application, I am taking the GAMSAT on the 21st of this month, however due to my exams I have not prepared well for it at all, so depending on how I feel it went on the day will decide whether or not I will be applying to one GAMSAT uni or not.  My UKCAT is booked for the start of October and I'm truly not sure how it will go.  I'm hopeful I'll meet the cutoffs for my preferred unis, if not then I will have to try again next year.  I have found some MSc courses that I really really like the look of, so I shall also be applying for them at the start of next year.  So hopefully next year I will either be starting a postgrad qualification, or graduate entry medicine....time will tell! 

I think I was a little frustrated that things didn't go to plan last year, but to be honest, although it does seem frustrating that I may have to wait yet another year (at least) to go to medical school, my resolve has been strengthened even more!  I KNOW this is what I want to do and my BSc has proved that to me.  Whatever will be will be, and I'm not going to dwell on the outcome of this round of applications too much.  I'm sure if I don't get in this year there will be a few tears, but one thing I've learned about myself is that I'm more than capable of picking myself up and dusting myself off, and making sure my application is even stronger and my UKCAT and GAMSAT marks are even higher.  We'll cross that bridge if we come to it. 

Other than that there is nothing exciting to report, we didn't manage to go on holiday this year, as we're saving in case I have to do a MSc, maybe next year we'll have enough to pop to Europe for a long weekend. We have had some nice day trips though, which is always a bonus!  So yet again, I'm sorry for my absence, I will try to update more regularly, honest! 

Have a nice day everyone. 

More to life

So I've been revising (almost) constantly lately.  We've had a few lovely "date nights" as we call them, we have another tonight, a mid-week one to break up the stress of work/essays/revision etc which will be lovely.  However, I was procrastinating earlier and came across a blog that I once read from start to finish (and sobbed, literally sobbed) the whole way through.  In a nutshell, the blog was written by someone who married a young lady who battled with cancer for 5 years, but sadly lost her fight in 2011.  It is about their life together during their fight and there is another blog attached describing life as a widow.  It breaks my heard as the age gap is the same as the gap between my other half and I.  We always feel so lucky to have met each other when we're still young, but this blog serves as a cruel reminder that youth does not mean longevity.  

It got me thinking about how I would cope if I was to become a medic and I was faced with a young couple in a similar situation to the couple in the blog.  I concluded that I would probably go home and cry, lots and lots.  I can't imagine that I'm the kind of person where death would not affect me over time, I think no matter how long I was lucky enough to practice medicine I would still hurt every time, I would probably just become more experienced in processing the emotions.

This young couple went through so much together, I would be beyond devastated if that happened to me and my other half.  It is not just what they have already shared that is lost, but also the loss of the promise of forever.  (Did I forget to mention that I'm a hopeless romantic).  I think that when we get caught up in the whole revision and work malarky, we forget what is most important in life, the little things that may not change the world, but will always stay with you.  So when I'm sitting here in meltdown mode over my exams, I think I'll try my hardest (and it will be hard) to remember that there really is so much more to life than a perfect grade.  

Little deep for a Wednesday perhaps, but I thought I'd share what I've been thinking.  Now I'm going back to revising about the joys of thrombosis in pregnancy.  Have a lovely day everyone, make the most of it.  

Stress...essay...revision....stress....revision....

Sorry I've been AWOL.  I had an essay to finish last week which was handed in on Monday (not the best essay I've ever done but probably not the worst either).  I have also been frantically going through all my lecture notes and making revision notes as my first exam is in 15 days....15 DAYS!!!!  I found out I had a 2:1 for my lab report which is great as it is worth 50% of the module, so I'm pleased with that.  

So, 2 months of hell starts here really, I have 2 weeks until my first exam, and then 4 weeks of exams, followed by another 2 weeks (I think) off for revision before one more final exam for the year.  I have to do an assessment in the summer as I had to miss it earlier in the year, and after that (resits pending obviously) I'm finished.  Then it will be a long summer of GAMSAT revision (oh my dear god I have no idea how to begin), volunteering and dissertation reading (I'm at the point when I'm thinking of my dissertation already, oh my goodness!!!!) I'll be a 3rd year....already....this degree has flown by! 

I've loved this degree, and I'm sure that if I end up doing postgraduate I'll love it too, but I can't help but hope and wish that I'll get into GEM for 2013.  I know I'm one of the thousands who have the same dream, I'm just hopeful I'll get an interview.  Anyway, enough wishing, time to relax for the evening as I'm absolutely shattered.  Think I'm going to watch some trashy TV with my other half and then off to bed nice and early. 

 

Medical School Panic

So, in one month I'll be finishing my 2nd year.  Excellent and I'm finally healthy enough and my ankle seems stable enough (touch wood!) to begin my volunteering, which is amazing.  I also have the shadowing sorted for the summer, alongside the project I've been working on which has been amazing, but I can't help feeling my application isn't going to be strong enough for this year.  I did a practice UKCAT test yesterday for the first time (I didn't even know what was involved) and it was ok I suppose for a first attempt, aside from the numerical section which was absolutely appalling, which does not bode well for me at all.  I really didn't want to rely on the GAMSAT too much as it is such a beast I wanted 2 UKCAT Unis and 2 GAMSAT Unis and now I'm worried that I'm going to have to go for 4 GAMSAT unis.  

I have absolutely no idea how this is all going to pan out, I had everything planned to the nth degree and then I messed it all up by getting injured.  Completely my fault, but it isn't going to make me feel great when I have to take yet another year to apply again if I don't get in this time.  I'm a mature student (I'm still the right side of 30 but still!) and I just feel frustrated. I'm seeing on forums that people who are quite honestly fantastic candidates getting rejected from all 4 choices, even with high scores, high academic grades etc. 

If people who are:
a) Younger than me
b) Have better academic credentials than me
c) Have higher GAMSAT/UKCAT scores than I can ever hope for
d) Have more voluntary work experience than me
Aren't getting offers, what am I supposed to do?  I just hope that I get one offer, I don't mind where, I really truly don't, I'll be happy with any of the 6 places I want to apply to (I haven't narrowed it down yet, open day season is upon us!) were kind enough to offer me a place I'd be over the moon.  I can't quite get my head around people being offered places and then saying that they're not sure they're going to take them as it wasn't their "first choice"... *DON'T APPLY TO A UNI UNLESS YOU'RE HAPPY TO TAKE THE PLACE*. 

Anyway, I'm going to stop ranting, just having a moment of complete and utter blind panic! I'm going to go and revise, because one thing is for sure, I'm not going anywhere unless I pass my degree!  Thanks for reading.  

April Already

This year is flying by, in fact the last three years have flown by.  Three years ago I moved in with my better half, since then we've bought a house, been to the Maldives, got married and I've (almost) finished two years of my BSc. It literally feels like yesterday that I applied to study for my BSc and applying to med school was a distant ambition, now it is a very real, current, task.  I had an email from my course director last week saying we need to start thinking about our dissertation topics through the summer, which will make me a 3rd year!!

Whilst lots of exciting things have happened, I've also had some negative things, I've injured myself and been rather poorly (as you may have read at the start of the year).  I'm still not 100% better, but I'm 100% better than I was on the 1st January this year.  However, we were watching "Hospital Sydney" last night and there was a man on there with multiple brain tumours having surgery to stop him from being paralysed for the last few months of his life. He and his wife were so happy to find out that his prognosis was for 3-6 months rather than a couple of weeks and it just made me feel a little sad.  I was lying in bed watching this, and it made me think, yesterday was the 2nd April, on the 1st January I had a low pressure headache due to a pretty gnarly lumbar puncture and I was lying in bed doing exactly the same as I was last night (with added pain of course), 4 months ago, yet like everything else it feels like yesterday!  I lay there and couldn't help feeling sad that in the short space of time that has passed between me being so poorly and me getting back on my feet again, essentially the man on the TV would have exceeded the lower end of his life expectancy scale. 

I don't take my life for granted.  I'd love to go to medical school, but my life won't end if I can't.  I have so many wonderful things going on in my life for which I'm grateful for everyday, but every now and then it amazes me just how fast it all goes by.  Life is a bit of "blink and you miss it" sometimes and I've noticed how many people don't appreciate how lucky we all are to be here.

Anyway, I'm just grateful for everyday I have and even when it is cloudy or rainy outside, or something doesn't go your way, remember it could always be worse.